Finding Myself

I regularly dine with  dinosaurs. I help superheroes clean their room. I solve mysteries and save the planet almost everyday. Who would possibly want more?

Me. Yep, right here. This girl.

I have always, for as long as I can remember, have wanted to be a mama. Not a scientist, not a princess, or even a teacher (which I eventually became). Nope, a mama, that’s it. I prayed long and hard for it and my prayers were answered three times. So what is the problem? Why do I crave more?

For the past few years I have had this nagging feeling. An unwanted restlessness. Guilt, the strong mama guilt, made me push it away. How could I want more when everything I have ever wanted is right in front of me? What exactly is it that I want? Am I a bad mom because I feel unsatisfied with parts of my life? So I prayed. Every night I prayed for peace and contentment.

Then we got a call. My husband was offered a job in Nashville. I was ecstatic. This seemed like the answer I was looking for. Even though we have moved numerous times in our short marriage, this was different. I was ready for adventure. So we packed up our now family of five and left snowy Michigan with high hopes and big dreams.

So here we are. Six months in our new city.  Hopes are still high and our dreams are coming true. We have already made some good friends and our children are adjusting beautifully. I personally am still adjusting to the heat! But I love it here. I love the people and the culture, not to mention the BBQ!!!

But I heard and felt it again. In between play dates and diaper changes. At first it was quiet and now it’s like a siren blaring in my head. That restlessness, the wanting MORE.

This time I refuse to push it away. My heart is screaming for something of my own. Something not covered in yogurt or stickers. Something I can call MINE. You know what? That’s ok. It doesn’t mean I am a bad mom or ungrateful. It just means I have to stop fighting who I am and just be ME. Not just Louis’ wife, not just Gage, Maddox and Freya’s mama. But Heidi, who is a wife and a mama, but much more.

What is it that I want? I don’t know. But I am excited to find out. I started this blog in hopes of finding the answer, the piece of me that has been hiding. So here I am, putting myself out there, typing with a one year old on my lap and my boys playing with trucks beside me. I am sharing my life with you, in hopes of finding myself.

9 thoughts on “Finding Myself

  1. I can totally relate, while I don’t have children yet (currently 33 weeks pregnant) I lost myself in my marriage and infertility journey. It’s so easy to do, yet I still feel like having my own unique identity will be a benefit to both my children and my husband. As well as myself.

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  2. I love this! I speak for both Salty Mamas, Jaymi and myself in saying we totally feel you! We too had a creative itch we just HAD to scratch. I hope you get yours scratched as well, and we’ll definitely be following along!

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  3. I can relate to your situation. I always wanted to be a mom as well. More than anything else. And I love being at home with my kids. But because of both financial necessity and a desire to have something of my own, I started a freelance writing business and a blog from home. I wish you the best on your journey!

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  4. Thank you for sharing. I will definitely time in as you go on your journey. I myself have found writing to be a great outlet.

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